xenonym | in medias res.

Babies eat, sleep, and poop and not much else.

[and parents are lucky if they find the time for any of the above, that's what minsu has learned. it hasn't been easy, but minsu feels like he's toughened up over the past several months. matured, maybe. he's adjusting.

still, having some help is really nice.]

Guess what? My lavender plant outgrew another pot too.

[ must be a lot of pooping, to require this many diapers. it makes him nervous to think about, because he's been thinking about other things, too, namely the way dash looks at the baby, handles her, plays with her. he lights up.

he smiles a bit. he remembers minsu's uncertainty that he would be able to take care of the plant for himself. ]

Told you you'd take care of it. You didn't think you would.

[ he must have felt the same about a baby, after all. ]

Was it kind of like this? To learn you were going to be a father?

[and the way that minsu brings her to dash at every opportunity probably doesn't help. but he's noticed those things too, and he's so happy that jiyun has family. not just him and sage, but a house full of people who love her, people who never had that for themselves.]

I remember!

[he really did have his doubts. he didn't think himself capable of taking care of something, or of someone. he didn't think he was good enough to really love and be loved either. those were things for other people, not him. it was neve who started him down the path that would change all of that.

minsu tilts his head as he folds]

Yeah, it was. In the beginning I would sit with that plant and talk to it, trim every bad leaf and make sure I gave it the perfect amount of water. [and now he whispers to jiyun while she sleeps, and is already learning about making her baby food. he wants to do everything that he can to make sure that she grows strong and healthy and blooms too.] You know, when you think about it, she's here thanks to you too. Ah, I can't wait until she's old enough to tell her that!

[ neve folds with a soft smile as minsu talks. he guesses that's true, that he played his part. he's happy for minsu. happy for sage. it worked out great and that baby has such a big family full of love for her already. she'll never run out.

but god. it's making things feel so tangled up in his chest. he adds another diaper to the pile as his smile fades. ]

Did you want to have kids, before you knew Sage was pregnant?

Oh.

[seems like a reasonable question, just one minsu never thought of before. he keeps folding for a minute before sitting down.]

I've always loved kids. [but plenty of people love children without wanting any of their own. it's not the same thing.] I'd never thought about having my own. But I probably wouldn't have believed that I'd find someone like Sage either. The perfect partner makes all the difference.

[he feels warmth in his cheeks. but he doubts he has to explain what that feels like to neve of all people. but after that, minsu's voice turns serious and a little sad.]

But...if I'd been asked, if this had all been planned, I don't think I would've been brave enough. Not coming from the family that I did.

[ neve can't say he's always loved kids, but he understands the rest. maybe too much. it's because of his family, too, that he has reservations. that's what he doesn't want to spread. he's afraid of what the queen might do to a child born from him, afraid of what that child might become, afraid of failing, afraid that they would ask where neve came from and he'd have no good stories to share. afraid that since he's never known what it's like to have a good parent, he can't be one.

he sits down, too, but continues to fold a diaper carefully in his lap. ]

Yeah. [ he's not brave enough. that's what it is, isn't it? ] Every time I see Dash with Jiyun...

[ he takes in a breath. it's not really fair of him to ask if minsu would go back in time and tell his past self he needs to do this, is it? because if he says no, isn't that terrible? he doesn't want to make minsu question this, this gift, this precious thing he made with sage. ]

I guess you'd say now that she's here everything is different.

He's so good with her! I'm not overdoing it, am I? Asking too much of him? Please tell me if I am, I don't think he would.

[he's been worried about that, especially at this age when she can't do anything for herself.]

Everything is different. [minsu nods quickly to that, sighing heavily as he pauses in his work.] I didn't know just how much I wanted her until she was here. I wonder if any parent does.

[in that moment, minsu hears himself talking.]

Ah, I'm sorry, you're probably tired of hearing all this! What's new with you lately? I feel like I'm still catching up with everyone! This morning I even had to look up a recipe, can you believe that?

You're not. He loves it. He loves her.

[ he's not about to take that way from dash, even if it hurts him to witness sometimes. if he can't give him a child, he can let him experience it that way, second hand. that's something, right?

he doubts it would be enough. he can't help but think it might make dash want it enough to change things. ]

I'm not tired of hearing about it, Minsu. It's your life. It's important.

[ he rubs the back of his neck. ]

I've been thinking about things.

Your life is important to me too.

[neve has given him so much love and attention, and at a time when minsu was starved for those things. he took all of it that he could get, soaked it up like a sponge. but it's different now. better. minsu wants to be the listener, the helper.

he finishes folding the last of his stack and pushes it aside so that there's nothing between them.]

What kind of things?

[ neve actually hasn't talked to anyone about this. he wonders if dash has. he hopes so.

it's been too weird for him to bring up casually. this feels more natural, and he hadn't intended to bring it up but it's happening, and there's nothing telling him not to share this with minsu. he'll be mindful of his situation, of course. he's not about to say he thinks kids are awful, because that's not what this is about. ]

Things like me not wanting children even though Dash does.

[he didn't expect such a heavy answer. for a moment he's surprised by it.

but he asked, and he's not sorry that he asked.]

Ah...I guess that would be something to think about. Are you...you're not fighting about it, are you?

[because maybe minsu's not as grown as he likes to believe and that thought scares him.]

No, no. We're not fighting.

[ that would be hard for them to achieve. they're receptive to each other, caring about each other's feelings. he can't imagine that they'd fight about something so significant when both of them just want the other happy.

but that is part of the problem. neve thinks dash is saying he's fine without children to make neve happy. and neve is trying to think of any way he could give dash what he wants so dash can be as happy as he can be. it's hard, a tough situation, but he's not upset with dash at all. ]

I don't wait to fail him as his husband and not give him something he wants very much that could make him happy.

Dash is your husband because he loves you. The only way you could fail him is if you didn't love him back.

[and minsu can't imagine that, especially when he can see how much this has been bothering neve now.]

And, well, you could give him the world, but you know it wouldn't make him happy if you're even a little bit unhappy. And... [minsu pauses, chewing on his bottom lip for a moment before finally speaking again.] A child isn't like a ring or a box of candy. You have to think of it too. It wouldn't be fair. So if you really don't think that your feelings could change, I think you should try to stop thinking about it. You just have to give Dash everything that you can give him. It'll be enough, I'm sure of it.

[ minsu's right, he's being reasonable, but neve's head is full, and his heart aches, and he can't sit here and think this is okay. not until he's turn every option around and over in his head, until he's done what he could to consider everything and conclude there was no solution.

then again, he doesn't want that to be the conclusion. it's a bad conclusion.

because... because it might not always be true, what minsu's saying. ]

I know. That's why I can't — I'm not someone who could do this. And it wouldn't be safe, for the child.

[ he pauses, biting the inside of his cheek. hoping it can't be true but knowing there is no possible way to tell. that even dash would argue. ]

What if it's not? What if one day it's not enough?

Then...

[minsu hesitates, because he doesn't want to say it. he doesn't want neve to hear the words. his brows knit together like he's in pain, and he suddenly can't look neve in the eyes.

he looks down instead, wiping his palms down his jeans and trying to summon his courage.]

If Dash says it...if Dash tells you that it's not enough. And you really can't do it. Then...maybe you have to consider letting him find someone who can. [he raises his head again suddenly, wanting to make one thing clear.] But only if he tells you. You can't decide that on your own, it's his decision.

[ of course neve had thought of that himself before. hearing it from someone else, though, it's infinitely worse. then it's not just something his mind wanders to, it's not a fear, it's not something irrational and not right and twisted out of concern and fear.

it's real. this might be a real thing he has to do. dash could one day decide after all he wants a child more than he wants anything else. and maybe that means he still loves neve. maybe he'd want to find a partner to have a child with while staying with neve, maybe he'd want to adopt and parent with someone else, maybe it doesn't have to mean the end of their marriage, of their bond. of their relationship.

they're just all possibilities that neve hates.

neve is quiet a long while. he looks small. like he's shrinking. it's such a big obstacle he didn't expect. so now he doesn't know what to do about it. he can't see a way out that doesn't involve either him or dash not being completely happy. ]

If it... If it makes him happy. I'd do anything for that. I promised him that when I married him. Anything in the world. [ but that's why this is so awful. ] Except children, I guess.

[minsu sits quietly across from him, eyes downcast again. he knows what this must be doing to neve, and he doesn't like thinking about dash being unhappy either. it's like a weight on his shoulders that pushes them down. minsu's stomach is in knots, but he can't stop thinking about toast, about mashed potatoes, about a dozen other comfort foods.]

It's a terrible situation. [one that minsu had never thought about. he wants to wring his hands at it, blinking against his tears.] Most of the time couples can compromise, find a solution where you're both at least a little bit happy. But you can't make half a baby.

It is. It's... yes. Terrible.

[ there's a lot more panic inside of neve than he lets on. there are aspects to this he doesn't want to mention to minsu. like how dash insists he's fine and they don't need to have kids, but when neve sees him with jiyun it's obvious there's so much more to it, obvious that one day he might want them much more than he does right now. that maybe day by day he's wanting them more and more.

he doesn't want to put minsu or his daughter in the middle of that. it could happen with any baby, and if dash is the one denying it to neve to make him happy, it's an issue between them. no need to make minsu feel awful for something, no need to make him think he needs to let dash have her less often.

and no need to leave this with minsu thinking they might part ways. he's not about to do that right now, and he's pretty sure dash would rather find an alternative that involves them staying together to have a child rather than splitting. it's terrifying for a whole bunch of other reasons, though. neve doesn't feel worthy of being his husband right now.

still. he takes in a slow breath and puts his hand on minsu's shoulder. ]

Don't worry. It'll be okay.

[minsu smiles a little at his touch, eyes flickering up to him. he knows that neve is trying to make him feel less worried, so minsu will try to make him that he is less worried. even if it isn't true.

he feels like he still needs to say something more. he hasn't asked about neve's reasons for not wanting to have children, but he knows that he has them, that it might be bigger than a personal preference. it's not something anyone should be pushed on.

but if fear is a part of it, minsu knows something about that too.]

You know, sometimes I feel like the swamp is really what made all of this happen. Sage's body changing, being able to carry her, it could've stopped any of that. [he looks at the laundry, seeing it but not really seeing it.] It did this. Almost like it's her real parent, or it had some reason for wanting her to be born. When I think of that...it scares me sometimes. I'm afraid it'll try to take her away from me.

[ he hadn't thought about it. not even for a second. and it's like running into a wall and being knocked on his ass, because of course minsu knows what it's like to be afraid of something like that, of course there's someone else that lives with this kind of worry. and this person actually has a child.

at the same time it makes him think: no way. it wouldn't happen. not because he knows the swamp and its intentions. but because he knows swamp house and everyone in it. ]

We'd never let that happen. We would fight.

[ then... wouldn't they do the same for neve and dash? it feels different, somehow. the swamp was here before they were. this is it's home. sage's home. if the queen went after a child between him and dash, she would come here, and she could hurt anyone, everyone. it would be neve who drew her here by having a child, and it would be his responsibility. ]

Ah...I feel a little bad.

[even if he's visibly relieved at the same time.]

I was counting a little too much on you saying that.

[even if he knows that sage is powerful, and knows that he would fight too. he would wade into the swamp over and over again, never coming out until he was either dead or had his daughter back.

even if he couldn't imagine neve saying anything else.]

There's not a drop of blood between us, but were family. All of us. Now I feel like I can put some of those worries aside, because I know we can all protect her and each other.

We would. We'd keep her and you two safe.

[ it's nothing to feel bad about when it's true. minsu might have been hoping because he knew it was likely they would. of course. they're family, and they're not about to abandon each other. they would keep jiyun, minsu and sage safe at any cost.

neve wishes he could feel reassured for himself, but he can't seem to use the same logic. ]

With all of our strengths pooled together, we're unbeatable. She's safe here.

in medias res.

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